Lose Tomorrow
by Littleguinea
Summary: Sam looks after Jack in Anne's absence and has to confront her feelings for him.


**A/N:** This story is a follow on from the Season 5 episode "Win Today". As always my thanks go to Diane for her super beta work (I've tinkered a little since she saw it so any mistakes are all mine!!) and also I want to thank Amy for giving me the idea and kick up the rear to write the story in the first place.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the show, if I did then there sure as hell would have been a better send off.

**Rating:** T

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**Lose Tomorrow**

"I heard you took the long odds on me," said Jack wearily.

"I'm glad I did," replied Sam, the relief evident in her smile.

"Me too," said Jack.

_Just hold him, reach out and pull him in close, just hold him and try to take all the pain away. _That's what she wanted to do. But that was somebody else's job now.

God, what did he see in Anne? Why hadn't he come to _her_ when he was grieving over his father? She would have been there for him. He knew that, didn't he?

Jack's hand touched her arm and then she heard Elena call out for him. He brushed against her as he passed and she glanced behind. He looked so tired, so vulnerable.

Something wasn't right between him and Anne; that much was evident to Sam. But she shouldn't be concerned this much, so why was she even thinking about his relationship? Of course, she knew the answer to that; she just didn't want to admit it to herself.

Sam went to talk to Danny, but all the while she kept stealing glances back at Jack, hoping Danny wouldn't notice. While Jack was having a conversation with Alex Stark, it looked like it was taking him all his strength to stay upright. When they were finished, Stark was placed in the patrol car and she watched as it pulled slowly away.

Jack stood there, a pitiful figure just staring at the sky, almost bewildered. Making her excuses with Danny, she made her way over to where Jack was standing.

"Come on, the paramedics are waiting to take a better look at you and get you off to the hospital," Sam explained.

He stared at her blankly and then slowly turned. He put his arm around her waist and she reciprocated by placing hers around his shoulder.

As she led him to the ambulance, he started to lean on her heavily. As they approached the paramedics, Jack's legs gave way and they managed to catch him before he fell, quickly placing him on a trolley.

Once safely in the ambulance, he seemed to sense that his ordeal was finally over, and he took hold of Sam's hand. Did he know it was her, or did he think_ she_ was there with him? She hoped that he knew whom he was reaching out to.

"I'm going to come with you to the hospital, okay?" said Sam, wincing as she stared at his blood-soaked shirt. "I'll stay with you until Anne arrives."

"Anne's out of town. There's no point worrying her; she'll be back tomorrow," explained Jack wearily.

"Oh, well, okay. I'll hang around and find out if there's anything you're going to need, you know, say if they keep you in or anything," Sam replied.

"Hmm," was all Jack could muster but he managed to squeeze Sam's hand ever so slightly. She looked down at his hand and had to resist the urge to bring it up to her lips.

As he lay there peacefully, she thought about the injuries that he had sustained and how they had been inflicted. The fact that he'd still been able to fathom out a way of letting them know where to find him just amazed Sam. And if it were possible, it made her admire him even more than she already did.

Is that what had attracted her to him in the first place, his courage, his dogged determination? Perhaps, but none of that really mattered now because he was lost to her, he'd given himself to somebody else.

But if that was the case, then why had she felt such desperation when she knew he was in danger? She'd been ready to pump a bullet into the security guy at the poker club if he hadn't told her what she needed to know.

_Why can't I stop loving you?_

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After x-rays and scans, which seemed to take an eternity, the doctors finally decided that remarkably neither of the nails had damaged any major structures in either Jack's chest or hand. So, after cleaning and stitching up the wounds, they told him he could leave.

"Listen, I, err, I'll get a cab back to my apartment. You'll want to get home; we've been here for hours," said Jack, gesturing at the clock on the wall.

"The doctors said that someone should keep an eye on you for 24 hours, so you're stuck with me, I'm afraid," Sam laughed.

Jack stared at her, a little longer than he should have done, before dropping his eyes and saying, "Well… only if you're sure that I'm not spoiling your plans."

_Plans, what were they? _Sam's social life was pretty much non-existent these days, but he didn't need to know that, did he?

"I had something planned, but I can always re-arrange it. It's not a problem… he'll wait," Sam bluffed.

She led Jack by the arm as they left the hospital to look for the nearest cab.

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As they entered Jack's apartment, Sam was surprised that fundamentally very little had changed since she had last been there. The familiar smells, the record collection.

Of course, there were no signs of his wife's presence anymore. She'd gone long ago and Jack had certainly made it his own. But wouldn't _Anne_ have started to influence the décor, the furnishings? There was nothing feminine in the apartment to make Sam believe he was in a serious relationship with someone.

"Just let me sit down for a minute," winced Jack, who was in obvious discomfort.

Sam held his arm as he eased himself into the nearest chair, letting out an audible groan as he finally allowed his tortured body to relax.

"I'll get you some water," said Sam, walking into the kitchen.

Placing the glass on the table in front of the sofa, she glanced up and saw Jack wipe away some moisture from his eyes.

"Oh, sorry, I … ," he stuttered.

"Hey, you've been through a lot today, nobody would blame you for a few tears," Sam crouched down beside him and placed her hands on his knee.

"It's not just today, it's… it's my life, where I am now, it's… complicated."

"Sshh," whispered Sam, touching her finger to Jack's lips, "you don't have to explain anything to me."

Jack just nodded, but Sam knew that he looked troubled almost spent, defeated.

Standing, she stretched out her hand and he too reached out and placed his hand in hers.

She gently pulled him up and led him towards the bedroom. "We need to get you cleaned up and in some fresh clothes. The whole world will seem a better place then… trust me."

As Jack sat on the edge of the bed, fumbling to undo the buttons on his shirt with one hand, Sam started running a hot bath.

She shouted from the bathroom, "A bath will do you good as long as you don't get your stitches wet."

"Uh huh," he mumbled, as she walked back in to see him with his shirt gripped between his teeth trying to free a button with his left hand.

"Hey, hey, hang on, let me do that."

Sitting on the bed beside him she started to undo the buttons of his shirt and gently eased it off his right shoulder.

He flinched as the material snagged briefly on the dressing over his chest.

Sam threw the shirt to the floor, knowing that she'd dispose of it before she left.

She removed his shoes and socks before starting to unbutton his pants, but Jack's hand swiftly covered hers, "I think I'll be able to manage from here," he said abruptly.

Slightly surprised, she guided him to the bathroom.

"If you need any help, then just shout, okay?"

"Sure."

And she watched him make it to the edge of the bath before she shut the door.

Sam sat on the bed once again and gazed around the room, Jack's bedroom. She'd only been here once before, when Maria and the girls had been away visiting relatives. He'd been reluctant to bring her to his apartment, but she'd been stubborn and insisted upon it. It was something she'd regretted later; she always thought that it was one of the reasons that he'd ended their relationship. She'd pushed him too far, made him feel guilty, guilty about her, about his wife, his children; more so than if they'd just kept their affair to her apartment.

"Crap, oh _shit_… Sam, SAM, are you there?" his distress call jolted her out of her daydream.

Opening the door, she walked into the bathroom and saw that he'd managed to get the rest of his clothes off and he was sitting in the bath, looking more than a little bit embarrassed.

"I forgot to pick up the friggin' soap."

"Here," she said handing it to him. His hand found hers as he reached to take the soap and instead of just taking it, he held on to her and pulled her slowly towards him. He just looked at her. He didn't say a word, but his eyes were speaking volumes.

A few seconds passed and she pointed at the door, "Look, I'll just wait out there. If you need me again just …"

"I need you now, Sam."

They were both a bit taken aback by his statement and he dropped his eyes and continued, "I - I mean … if you could just wash my back, then I'll be able to manage the rest?"

Taking the soap again, she now knelt down beside the bath and rubbed it carefully over his back, creating a thick lather.

Jack groaned with pleasure as she started to massage his shoulders. "Ahhh, that feels so good."

She worked her way down his back to just above his buttocks. How she wanted to continue, to work her way over his entire body. Easing away his pains, quenching her desire at the same time.

Jack's head was tilted backwards now as he luxuriated in her touch, "Don't stop", he said breathlessly.

So she rubbed the soap up and over his shoulder to his neck. She caressed him gently, her fingers floating over his moist skin.

Careful not to dampen the dressing, she washed him with her hands, travelling over him in a circular movement. She allowed her fingers to linger, enjoying the feel of the course hairs on his chest.

As her hand travelled down to his stomach, he flinched and his eyes opened. She sensed him watching her as she took care to cleanse his body thoroughly.

Sam could see that he was becoming aroused. She stood up and placed a towel on the edge of the bath.

"I'll let you have a soak," she said, before leaving the room.

Why was he sending out mixed messages? He'd made sure she didn't unbutton his trousers and yet he wanted her to touch him in the bath and was obviously enjoying the experience.

The bedroom was now dimly lit, but it was suddenly illuminated by a shaft of light that spread across the room as Jack emerged from the bathroom. He'd tied the towel around his waist and he padded across the floor until he reached the bed.

"I'll go and make us some coffees while you get dressed," she said, feeling a little awkward.

"No… wait, Sam," and he reached out and grabbed her arm as she rose from the bed, pulling her back down a little too roughly .

She almost fell onto him but managed to steady herself. Their faces were now inches apart and she could feel Jack's breath on her lips.

Was she the one that leaned forward and bridged the divide between them? She wasn't sure, but their lips met and the soft kiss turned quickly into one that was deep and passionate.

Jack pulled back, and she could see in his eyes a conflict that seemed to be almost tearing him apart.

"Sam, I can't do this," he whispered, his face now buried in his hands.

She pulled them gently away from his face and placing a finger under his chin, she raised his head so that he was looking at her directly.

"You don't know how much I wish that things could be different, but it's gone too far now and there's no way out for me," Jack whispered.

_Did he mean that he wanted out of his relationship with Anne? _Did he really want to be with _her_?

"Hey, it's okay, let me try and make it better," she whispered, as she ran her fingers through the back of his damp hair and started to nuzzle his neck.

"You don't understand, Sam. However much I might want this… and God, I _do_ want this, but it just can't happen, not now, not ever."

Sam lifted her head and just stared at him, her eyes glistening. He reached out and stroked her cheek.

She pulled away from his touch, "No, you've made yourself quite clear; I'll go and get us those coffees."

"Sam, wait, it's Anne she's –," but Sam had already shut the bedroom door behind her.

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The coffee machine coughed and sputtered, and as she waited for the cups to fill up, she could hear him struggling to get dressed in the bedroom. _You'll just have to get on with it; I'm sure as hell not gonna help you._

_Damn_, she'd done it again, she'd let him get under her skin and then, when she'd finally stood up for herself, she felt guilty.

Jack shuffled out of the bedroom. He'd managed to throw on a T-shirt and some sweat pants.

As she placed the cups of coffee down on the table, Jack joined her and sat down on the sofa beside her.

"So, who's the unlucky guy that you stood up tonight?" asked Jack, who was obviously trying to steer the conversation onto something a little less inflammatory.

"Oh, err, nobody you know, just a guy I met," she lied.

"I'm pleased for you; I hope it works out," said Jack trying to sound upbeat.

After an uncomfortable silence, Sam turned to him, "There was no date, I made it up. I just… I didn't want you to think that I have no social life, stupid really."

"Does it matter to you, what I think?" asked Jack, raising his eyebrows in the process.

_Oh crap_, this wasn't a conversation she wanted to get into, not now after all that had already been said.

"No… really, no it doesn't. It was a stupid thing for me to have said, just forget it," laughed Sam nervously. "Listen, I think there's a film on that looked pretty good. Shall we give it a go? Then maybe I'll sort us out something to eat."

"Sure, sounds good," nodded Jack.

Sam switched on the TV and there they remained, watching the film in silence.

It wasn't long before she heard the unmistakable sound of Jack snoring quietly. It was all so comfortable, so warm and familiar. There he was sleeping beside her, like he'd done many times before, when they were together in her apartment. She raised his arm gently and eased herself underneath it. She snuggled into him and inhaled deeply as if to drown herself in his scent. Her arm curled around him and she laid her head on his chest.

What was the harm in just staying like this for a while. She could pretend that they were together, because this was what she wanted so much, for them to be together. No barriers, no obstacles to stand in their way.

Slowly her eyelids became heavy and she drifted off into a blissful sleep.

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Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Sam became aware of a noise in the background.

As she slowly awakened, it took her a while to recognize where she was, and when she did, she also realized that she was now alone on the sofa, covered by a blanket.

"_Goodnight, honey,"_ she remembered vaguely Jack's words as he'd covered her with the blanket and placed a kiss on her forehead. Perhaps he had been uncomfortable in the night and had decided to go to bed.

She knew that the fantasy couldn't last for long.

_There it was again, voices,_ and then it suddenly struck her that it was coming from Jack's direction.

As Sam opened the door of the bedroom she saw Jack lying prostrate on the bed, the covers were now on the floor. His body was glistening, covered in beads of perspiration.

After pulling the sheets back onto the bed, she slid under them alongside him.

"Please, please… don't do -" Jack flinched, as she moved her body up close to him.

Sam could feel how damp Jack had made the bed. His skin was cold and clammy to the touch.

He was still asleep and she didn't want to startle him by waking him up.

"No, please stop, I can't… ," but his words trailed off as Sam cradled him in her arms. His heart rate started to slow and he rested his head on her chest. Slowly rocking him back and forth Sam could tell that he was calm once again.

"Hey," whispered Sam, "you were having a nightmare."

Jack was now conscious and he put his arm around Sam's waist.

"It hurt so much," he said, his head still buried in Sam's chest. "She _would_ have killed me you know; I don't think I've ever been that close to dying."

"If you want to tell me about it, I'm here to listen," said Sam.

After a long silence, Jack whispered, "I know… I'm just not ready yet."

Sam was ready to listen to it all, his torture, his relationship with Anne, his feelings for _her_, but he would open up when he was ready and she'd be there for him then.

"It's over now and you know, you proved to yourself that she couldn't beat you. _You_ are the reason you're alive, you dealt with the situation and you won," Sam reassured Jack.

"Yeah," was all he said as he tightened his grip on her, and she knew that he didn't want her to leave.

Being next to him like this was Sam's torture. She could feel his body pressed against hers, she felt the rise and fall of his chest. She wanted to feel his skin against hers and yet her clothes symbolized all the barriers that stood between them. It felt like they were together but she knew that the reality was so, so different.

She ran her fingers softly through his hair, she kissed the top of his head and slowly she drifted off to sleep again, with a tear gently trickling down her cheek.

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Waking with a start she glanced at the clock and realized that it was time that she was making her way into work. She was sure he'd be able to manage to get up and dressed, and she'd give him a call later on to check that he was okay. The best thing he could do right now was to sleep.

Anyway, Anne would be back later that day and then she would take care of him.

She was really rather pleased that Jack hadn't woken up. What would she say to him this morning? It was obvious that he was unhappy in his relationship with Anne and it was also painfully obvious that if things were different, then perhaps_ they_ would be together. She wanted it and she thought that he wanted it.

_Why were things never simple for them?_

She freshened herself up in the bathroom and then went into the kitchen to make herself a coffee. After looking around the kitchen, she found a note pad and a pen and she began to write-

_Jack,_

_I'm sorry; I had to leave for work. I hope you manage to get dressed okay._

_If I made you feel uncomfortable last night, then I'm sorry. I think I misread your signals, either that or maybe you don't really know how you feel about me._

_I wish things were different, that __**we'd**__ done things differently, but it's too late for "if only" You have your life with Anne now and we both have to move on._

_My feelings for you don't really matter anymore, but I don't want to lose your friendship. We've been through too much for that to happen._

_I hope you know that I'm always there for you if you need to talk._

_I'll see you back at work._

_Sam._

What she really wanted to tell him was that she loved him and she wanted him to leave Anne, but that would have been selfish and unfair. There was obviously something that was keeping him with Anne, she just couldn't work out what it was.

Opening Jack's bedroom door, she tiptoed across the room so as not to wake him.

He was still sound asleep, snoring lightly. After placing the note on the pillow next to him, she brushed his mussed hair away from his forehead. He was so handsome when he slept.

Her hand trailed down the side of his cheek and she leaned forward and kissed him delicately on the lips.

"Bye, Jack."

Sam turned and didn't look back; she collected her belongings and left his apartment.

She had already decided that today would be the start of the rest of her life… without him.

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End file.
